Afraid I Don’t Remember

Have I written this poem before?

I’m afraid
I don’t remember.

Shall I go on?

Go on.

With this poem
Or my life?

Both. Whatever you do
Go on with the bad
And good.

You mean
Go on with the bad
Well.

No
The bad and the good.

So you’re saying
I should know
The bad and the good.

Yes
Know what you mean
In a poem
And say it as well.

I don’t think you mean
What you think
You mean.

I don’t mean anything.
Like this poem.

Yes
Do you like it
So far?

Depends. How
Does it end?

In silence
I’m afraid.

An Indestructible Source Of Light

The sole-ness of my soul.
The essence of my essence.
There is deep within me
An indestructible source of light
That never fails to protect me.

I must protect this inner light
That never fails to protect me.
I must protect this inner light
Within the people I love and let
Their inner light shine through me.

The sole-ness of my soul.
The essence of my essence.
There is deep within me
An indestructible source of light
That never fails to protect me.

Twenty-Four Lines

The dreamer
Wide awake
Within me tells
A figure of speech:

“The dreamer
Wide awake
Within me is
A figure of speech.”

The dreamer
Wide awake
Within me is
A figure of speech

In a poem where
The question
“Who am I?”
Has no answer.

It has four stanzas
Four lines each
No wait five stanzas
Four lines each

No wait six stanzas
Four lines each
This one here makes
Twenty-four lines in all.

Thirty Lines

The dreamer
Wide awake
Within me
Tells a figure
Of speech:

“The dreamer
Wide awake
Within me
Is a figure
Of speech.”

The dreamer
Wide awake
Within me
Is a figure
Of speech

In a poem where
The answer
To the question
“Who am I?”
Is in question.

Here you’ll find
Four stanzas
Five lines each
No wait now
It’s five stanzas

Five lines each
No wait now
It’s six stanzas
Five lines each
Thirty lines in all.

Protect This Inner Light

My singularity: the sole-ness of my soul. My singularity: the essence of my essence. No one can touch my singularity. My body may be harmed but not my singularity.

There is deep within me an indestructible source of light. There is deep within me a light I cannot see that nevertheless focuses its “I” on me.

I must protect this inner light that never fails to protect me. I must protect this inner light within the people I love and allow their light to shine through me.

The sole-ness of my soul. The essence of my essence. There is deep within me an indestructible source of light protecting my singularity.

Writing Saves My Life

I feel the need to explain myself to myself. I feel the need to analyze every aspect of my (inner) life. Why am I thinking the thoughts I’m thinking right now? What do my thoughts say about me? If I’m being hyper-critical, how am I responding to my hyper-critical thoughts? Am I challenging my hyper-critical thoughts, or am I using them to support irrational beliefs that I’m inherently weak and irrevocably damaged? Why am I writing—again—about my thoughts?

I have so much to live for, so much to look forward to. Still, when my overthinking goes into overdrive, I find myself returning to thoughts of suicide. I don’t have any plans, just a vague sense that death is easier than (my) life. When these thoughts arise, I hold on to my life. I think of at least one reason to stay alive.

For now, I must be patient. Healing takes time. I’ll keep writing because writing saves my life.

Less Anger Inward, More Anger Outward

I like certain people, but I hate humanity. How violent we are. How cruel.

I’m confused. You write all the time about being humble, being vulnerable, being kind.

I am kind—to those who are kind. I hate dumb, mean, selfish people.

Isn’t everyone selfish? You’re selfish. You’re an asshole sometimes.

I’m human, yes, and I admit when I’m wrong. But I’m tired of letting dumb, mean, selfish people ruin my life.

Your anger is refreshing. Where has this side of you been? What’s changed?

I listened too long to dumb, mean, selfish people. I internalized critical voices from my past and blamed myself for things I can’t control, things that aren’t my fault. Being angry, without causing harm, helps me heal.

Fast Asleep

It’s cold in my flashbacks
It’s midnight all the time

Remember when I let
The monster stroll right
Through the front door
Of my childhood home
How wide he smiled

The heat went out
Midnight froze in time

I refuse to live forever
In the past I can’t move
Forward looking back

Slowly falling fast asleep
In the corner of my eye
I will build a bed of straw
Light a candle tip it over

May my memory be eternal
May forgiveness rest in peace

First Date

Well, since you didn’t ask,
Depression feels like this:

wefhfwefufhewfnweilfuhwehfieulfkhedjhyruimvmvbllsshdgfyukerfjer

Wait, you’re leaving?

Too bad.
There’s always
The internet.

Everyone’s kind
And porn is free
On the internet.

My Life Is A Meadow

My life is a meadow
And I am its breeze

My mind is a river
And I am its flow

My brain is a wave
And I am its ocean

My heart is a pulse
And I am its beat

My voice is a song
And I am its chorus

My hand is a surface
And I am its touch

My eye is a mirror
And I am its gaze

My life is a meadow
Time passes through