A Guy’s Guide To Speaking American


Forget your accent first. Give up
your allegiance to all foreign flags
and tongues. You must be here
legally, not an alien from Mars
or Mexico stealing social security.
Be a man. If you enjoy a good pistol,
texting while driving and protesting
pesky taxes, you’re almost there. Must distrust
all communists, especially the president.
Keep a safe distance from Europe
and queens who threaten your manhood.
Act natural, like you were born here. Pull
yourself up by bootstraps, looking to no one
for help. Forgo ethnicity. Believe in freedom
but deny outsiders the right to be free.
Above all, ignore poems that don’t express
the status quo or faith in God and the military
or elicit questions of any kind. Whatever
you do, don’t you ever, ever tread on me.

c b snoad
2-4-13 & 2-9-13