Every Fourth of July here in Two Rivers, Wisconsin,
my dad, Pastor James Baskin-Robbins, picked cherries
with the Butterscotch boys from sundae school.
One day last fall after caramel nut class,
the Butterscotch boys, hopped-up on chocolate sauce,
mistook Dad, hiding behind an old oak tree,
for a giant woodpecker and went bananas.
All hell broke loose here in Two Rivers, Wisconsin,
where the charity Fight Lactose Intolerance says
the ice cream sundae was invented in 1881.
This Fourth of July, as God is my witness,
I saw Dad kill a giant woodpecker
behind an old oak tree.
As for my testimony, Your Honor,
I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth will set me free.