I want to love
a brave woman
a smart woman
a playful woman
I want to embrace
the universe
of joy and sorrow
alive and well
within the soul
of a single woman
but my body is afraid
of being
hurt again
after years of writing
about suffering
and surviving trauma
my body remains
a sensitive subject
it’s where the sidewalk ends
prematurely
like my youth
it’s where I lost
my marbles
it’s where I sleep
like a baby
sawing wood
my happy place
remains so vast
you can’t find it
like a needle
in a knapsack
this is the best stanza
I wrote last night
in my happy place:
“tie forget-me knots
to a paradox before
graduate schools of fish
watch me sink
or swim in the deep
end of knowledge”
it’s an exclusive club
my happy place—
no pricks allowed
except the dick I think with
grief derails
my train
of thought
my shadow
sees a light
at the end
of the tunnel
being sad
makes me
happy
and I know it
clap my hands
wouldn’t it be nice
to feel
chronic pleasure
I asked a doctor
of philosophy
dumbstruck
and down
on bad luck
she smiled
as if to say
go fuck yourself
burn all
the books
I wrote
on a whim
and a prayer
I am nothing
more than
a blank sage
tired of being
human
tired of sitting
alone
with my thoughts
to the one
who hurt me
I say:
hold this poem
near an open flame
catch your soul on fire
All together
Here I am
Loss after loss
Still not lost
I embrace the wisdom
Of my sensitive soul
I embrace the power
Of my sensitive soul
Loss after loss
Here I am
Altogether
Never lost
I’m a humble fish
In a coy pond
At the edge
Of a river
Where the wind
Runs wild.
Fish is a noun.
Fish is a verb.
I’m a man
Speaking
Like a fish
Out of water.
No. Wait.
I’m silence
In motion.
A blank sage.
Neither noun
Nor verb
Nor fish:
A blank sage.
I’m a thin blade
Of short grass
At the edge
Of a river
On the verge
Of collapse.
But I’m not afraid.
For I have fallen
Apart before.
Yet here I am.
With you.
Be not afraid.
All together
Here we are.
Be not afraid.
She’s on cloud nine
The milkmaid soaked
Her rainbow dress
Three times I helped
The milkmaid soak
Her rainbow dress
I’m on cloud nine
Her rainbow dress
Looks pretty wet
Wide awake
I must be
dreaming
of the dreamer
wide awake
within me.
I must be going for a walk, a brisk walk,
among the ruins of a city built by sons
who worked hard but nevertheless failed
to forgive their fathers.
A city where
my father is alive
and well
dead still.
Depression = Anxiety wants to end Anxiety.
Once and for all.
Mania = Anxiety is up all night.
Perfecting a poem about Anxiety.
PTSD = Anxiety hurts Anxiety.
Anxiety blames himself for creating Anxiety.
This is how
My day begins.
This is how
My life goes
Wrong.
This is how
I fall apart.
Trying to control
Forces out of my control.
Trying to control
My need to control
Forces out of my control.
This is how
My body grows
Too weak
To carry
My soul.
No more thinking
Only feeling
Numb
No more thinking
Only feeling
Numb
Repeat trauma
A million times
Repeat trauma
A million times
No more thinking
Only feeling
Numb
No more thinking
Only feeling
Numb
Repeat trauma
A million times
Repeat trauma
A million times
Over and over
A million times
Repeat trauma
A million times
Over and over
A million times
Repeat trauma
A million times
Forget happiness
I need to feel safe
I want to feel safe
I need to feel safe
Happiness hurts
I need to feel safe
Be the perfect student
The perfect employee
The perfect perfectionist
Everyone needs to like you
Everyone needs to know
You’re smart and kind
And organized and in control
Sacrifice joy to maintain
The illusion you’ve got
Everything under control
Happiness hurts
You need to feel safe
You know it’s impossible
To always feel safe
Yet all you want
Is to always feel safe
You have a body
Protect your body
Scan your body
Is your body safe?
Don’t let anyone
Hurt your body
Be a robot
The perfect robot
A robot has no body
A robot needs no body
Going forward
Stuck in neutral
No more dawn
Just mourning
No more thinking
Only feeling numb
No more logic
Utter nonsense
No more poems
Anti-poems
Anti-poems
Made of silence
I don’t need to be happy.
I just don’t want to feel awful.
Does God believe in God?
Does God believe in me?
God I doubt believes in me
God I doubt believes in me
Does God believe in God?
Does God believe in me?
God I doubt believes in me
God I doubt, believe in me
I’m sorry
For saying
I’m sorry
All the time
I really need
A hobby
Other than saying
I’m sorry
All the time
I’m sorry
For taking
A moment
Of your time
I really need
A hobby
Other than saying
I’m sorry
All the time
My mind needs to unwind
My soul needs to breathe
My mind needs to unwind
My soul needs to breathe
My mind needs to unwind
My soul needs to breathe
Sex is easy
Try falling in love
Try falling in love
Try falling in love
Sex is easy
Try falling in love
A thousand Chucks
Within one Chuck
Not one Chuck
Gives a Chuck
Not one Chuck
A thousand Chucks
A thousand Chucks
Within one Chuck
Wearing a plaid flannel shirt and bright orange wig,
My father, who looked a lot like Carrot Top,
Confronted me on stage in the middle of my act
And said enough is enough,
He was canceling my allowance.
“Dammit, Gallagher,” he said,
“Six years in stand-up school,
You’re still a prop comic?”
Right then and there, adding to the tension,
An audience member, the dean of a local clown college,
Popped a weasel, my favorite balloon animal.
Now I play the role of a normal person
With regular adult needs and I’m dead
Serious.
Charles B. Snoad 